Experts: 3-D movies threaten the very foundation of the industry

Movie critics and other film aficionados were up in arms today over B-movie slasher horror flick My Bloody Valentine 3D, which released just this past Friday to little fanfare, acclaim or a even a noteworthy box office draw to speak of. Nevertheless there was an uproar over the flick that continued today. The problem? The movie was in 3-D.

“The new-found interest in 3-D film making is unfortunate, to say the least,” said one mainstream movie executive, who did not want to be named because he was secretly working on a 3-D horror film of his own. “While the medium draws in new audiences, the film is cheap and the presentation is cheesy. It threatens the very core of the movie industry and it needs to be stopped now.”

Indeed, many of the audiences buying tickets to see Valentine in theaters over the weekend were not your typical theater-goer. One viewer, Frank Consuelo of Cambridge, Mass., said he hadn’t been to see a movie in five or six years due to the spiraling out of control ticket prices and what he perceived to be an unfair and biased focus on summer blockbuster action movies. “Movies just got too complicated, expensive and full of themselves to be any fun anymore,” Consuelo said. “At least with 3-D there’s some nostalgia from when I was a kid and 3-D glasses at the cinema was a pretty normal thing. This new flick wasn’t half-bad either, because it didn’t take itself too seriously.”

Many of the viewers leaving the theater after viewing Valentine said the 3-D movie had actually re-energized their interest in seeing other movies at the theater, and not necessarily in 3-D. Said one unidentified 20-something girl who was out with her friends, “The 3-D got me into the theater after a long hiatus, and now I think I’ll come back next weekend to see that Jennifer Anisten dog movie one.”

But the new non-traditional audiences and increased ticket sales for all movies at the multiplex weren’t enough for the experts, who argued that an “incoming wave” of cheap 3-D shovelware movies would crush the serious, mature side of the movie business forever.

Experts also criticized the special 3-D glasses that movie theaters must now carry to accommodate the non-traditional movie experience. “There’s just too much clutter in the theaters with these glasses attached to everyone’s face,” said Dale Dempsey, who was camping out in a small overnight line to see Underworld: Rise of the Lycans before anyone in his high school class. “And they look stupid–like something my 10-year-old kid brother would wear.” Dempsey said he had not yet seen Valentine, but didn’t plan to, because it was for girls and old people from the 1960s.

Independent research from the Fake Movie Research Group has found that in 2008/2009, when Valentine and several other 3-D movies were out or set to be released, the entire movie industry actually saw substantial growth across all genres. Nevertheless, the movie critics would not be swayed when presented with this factual information.

Yes, this is a work of *poor* satire. But for some reason, while I was writing it, I couldn’t help but have this inkling of a suspicion that I’d heard a similar argument being made in another very popular industry about a very popular gamingcompany. Right. Now.

18 Responses to Experts: 3-D movies threaten the very foundation of the industry

  1. Andrew G. says:

    I did not realize this was fake until you mentioned it. ;D

    But I actually think 3D is a bad thing for films. I’ve never seen a 3D film that wasn’t poorly-presented for the sake of gimmicks, and that does bother me.

  2. rdaneel72 says:

    The talk of 3D TV and (especially) gaming has me worried. PS3 was a big hit at CES with its 3D GranTurismo and Wipeout. Some damage to my retina in one eye makes it impossible for me to use those stereoscopic glasses that the technology is STILL based on 50 years later. If TV and videogames move in this direction, I will NOT be able to view them.

  3. David says:

    Aren’t there supposed to be 3D BluRay games coming soon?

    P.S. Frank Consuelo is a jerk!

  4. Jack says:

    @David: yes, they were at CES earlier this month, IIRC. Of course, because they’re Blu-ray, they’re exempt from “this will destroy gaming!!1!” criticisms.

  5. Drahken says:

    I didn’t realize this was fake until it mentioned someone camping out to see Underworld. That’s just too implausible to be true. And then he used the words “kid brother”. No one has used that phrase in actual conversation since 1961

  6. gojiguy says:

    I applaud you, good sir.

    Good show.

  7. Richter says:

    It’s so easy to pick out an article by Jack. A sprinkle of over-wrought concepts, a dash of barely submerged rage against perceived foes, and a heaping spoonful of self-righteousness, seasoned to bad taste. I don’t even have to look at who wrote an article like this anymore, they stick out like sore thumbs amongst the more rational postings here. We get it Jack, self-professed core gamers are stupid and shouldn’t be catered to, old school gameplay trumps new school technology, Sony is the devil, blah blah blah. The dead horse is so beaten at this point, it’s nothing but a smear on the ground.

  8. Jack says:

    @Richter: Sorry, pal. Your comment seethes with more obvious rage and disdain than some silly piece of satire I wrote on a whim.

    Seriously. The world isn’t going to end the next time I hit publish here at Infendo. I promise.

  9. neko to kuruma says:

    Couldn’t you just write a straightforward post about what you’re not-so-vaguely referring to in your disclaimer, instead of writing something pretty much completely unrelated, even if it is satire? For a second I thought I was reading a bad /film post.

    My Bloody Valentine 3D wasn’t all that bad, though. It wasn’t particularly well acted or written, but it was better than some others I’ve seen, even without the 3D effects. The 3D effects which, sadly, started to drift away during the middle of the movie. Kind of the whole appeal, so you think they’d have tried to use them more.

  10. DaveRage says:

    Did Scott leave because of Jack?

  11. Jack says:

    @daverage: Of course he did. You’ve been saving that one, haven’t you?

  12. Okay; I get the joke here. HAHA! Although 3D is a bad choice for satire since Malstrom declared Internet TV will trump 3D anyway. Still; the overall point of the satire works. Just need more accurate items.

    Hey Jack; get a load of this one:

    http://www.gamezine.co.uk/features/formats/psp/if-microsoft-pay-we-ll-write-another-sony-doomed-article-$1257870.htm

    I just read this and I just couldn’t stop laughing at it. I’ll let the Infendo posters enjoy this one and comment on it.

  13. Jon says:

    David says…

    Aren’t there supposed to be 3D BluRay games coming soon?

    They did it in 1987…

    “Rad Racer came packaged with 3D glasses, which could be worn to give the player the illusion of three dimensions”
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rad_Racer

  14. Richter says:

    @Jack: “I know you are, but what am I?” hasn’t cut it since grade school. What you’re witnessing isn’t rage anyway, it’s pity. And no one said anything about the world ending – please, don’t ascribe yourself such importance, no one else did. It’s just that you take up valuable space on an otherwise enjoyable site, that could be devoted to someone more talented and less slavishly devoted to the Big N. Of course, that person might actually write more about Nintendo instead of taking potshots at every corner of the industry and culture you so obviously disdain.

  15. Jack says:

    Richter, thank you very much for the well-worded and heart felt response. The universe is better off because of it.

  16. neko to kuruma says:

    Why don’t you two just make-out already, jeez.

  17. InvisibleMan says:

    3D would enhance any Oscar-worthy movie ten fold! Can you imagine how much better Slumdog Millionaire would have been in 3D?!?

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