50 million Wii owners humiliated after internet commenter tells them to “get a real console”

Local area man preparing to throw out all his Wii games

After a heartless commenter questioned his choice of entertainment, a local area man prepares to throw out all his Wii games (JB Cougar/Infendo Photofile)

DENVER—A hush fell over the internet today as one commenter let gloves fly and cut more than 50 million Wii owners to their core, using only four words. “Get a real console,” said Bryce Meikle, an accredited “fun expert” and frequenter of Kotaku, an American video game blog with a Japanese-sounding name. “Who the hell would even play a Wii?” Meikle derisively added, much to the shock and shame of nearby witnesses.

“As a Wii owner, I just coiled up in the fetal position after reading this,” said one area man, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of repercussions. “I finally realized that I have been living a lie over the last three years,” said another. “Indeed, I have been duped into buying the Wii and its compatible games. Now I can say with certainty, I didn’t enjoy any of them.”

Pat Machter, an industry analyst, regrettably confirmed Meikle’s observations. “It’s true; for a console to be authentic, games need to cost $60, it needs to be able to update your Facebook account, and constant game patches are required to fix sloppy launch code, something only HD consoles can offer,” he explained. “It also helps if a console’s action games have Hollywood inferiority complexes, or if spoken dialog is abnormally cheesy, forced, or otherwise unconvincing.”

Although he agrees with Meikle’s harsh statement, critic and professional gamer Reginald D. Money Buck of the “Hardcore Gamerz 4-Life” clan sympathized with console owners who saw their world fall apart in front of their very eyes today. “Usually avid gamers are much more civil when addressing each other,” Buck said, before naming all the 17 and older-rated games he had completed in the last year.

When asked if he regretted what he said in a follow-up interview, Meikle said, “Look man, I don’t have time to troll the internet; I’m too busy watching cut scenes in 1080p and pwnzoring noobz online.” When asked why he said what he said, Meikle paused, then replied, “To be honest, I’m really insecure about myself as a person. So in a way, I’m sort of hoping my console alliegence can net me more friends.”

After catching himself in a moment of candor, he quickly changed gears. “But that Wii is for old people and pre-schoolers,” he said. “And I don’t like anything that old people and pre-schoolers like, except for maybe movies, sci-fi novels, television, music, dancing, and other universal forms of entertainment.”

In the wake of what some are now calling the “enlightenment,” Waste Management, those green dump trucks you see driving around your neighborhood, reported high levels of white plastic garbage late Friday.

25 Responses to 50 million Wii owners humiliated after internet commenter tells them to “get a real console”

  1. Jack says:

    Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Ultimate Real-Life Limited Edition Collector’s Pack Comes with Draft Card

    Exclusive package, available today at GameStop stores and local Army Recruitment offices across the country, provides hardcore gamers with structure, basic training and four years of college, provided they complete a mandatory 18-month tour in their choice of Iraq or Afghanistan.

  2. rdaneel72 says:

    I have just had an epiphany…

    No, wait, just sausage and peppers repeating on me!

  3. rfLarke says:

    Oh

    Oh gosh

    I

    I never knew

  4. deepthought says:

    fortunately, i have a real console… wait wait it just red ringed on me…. oh good it’s back…. no, no, it’s gone again….. wait it’s working now….

  5. Robert says:

    I believe this is what is referred to as an Epic Win.

    Thanks for brightening my day.

  6. XCWarrior says:

    That was hilarous. From the Onion I take it?

    Too bad though that realisticly, 360/PS3 is going to win this holiday in terms of software sales, if not hardware as well.

  7. gausser says:

    Okay guys, I have a confession to make. I was a Wii owner, but after hearing that comment, I threw out my Wii and my 30 plus games. I didn’t even sell them because it was too embarassing. Now I can go drop a tonne of money on a real console, some really expensive games and a new Hd tv to enjoy them on, Cheers!

  8. Attilio says:

    Bryce Meikle needs to get laid

  9. Arjen_DH says:

    I laughed so hard.

    … Indeed though, I was forced to throw out my console too. Who in the world gives a care about originality? Innovativity? Fun?
    I want uber realistic graphics made completely from shades of brown and gray, darn it. What in the heck do I need colors for anyway?

  10. peshue says:

    I’m so glad I got rid of my Wii. My penis grew 3 inches as soon as I turned on my brand new 360.

  11. gojiguy says:

    You know what, you’re right. Even though I sunk over 200 hours into my Wii with games like Super Mario Galaxy and Super Smash Bros. Brawl I must say I did not enjoy them. I just sat for hours forcing myself to play games that didn’t have massive online multiplayer. I just forced myself to play these horrible pieces of entertainment because I made my choice with the Wii and I live with it. And I will continue to stand by my purchase.

    Let’s just say I am absolutely dreading this sunday. I’m forced to plop down more cash and play through another forgettable Mario game…

  12. rdaneel72 says:

    http://www.joystiq.com/2009/11/13/eedar-blame-low-industry-sales-on-casual-gamers

    This is insanity. If Wii owners never bought games before the Wii, then why are sales so low? Shouldn’t the hardcore market be maintaining the stellar sales figures it was enjoying before Wii launched? Wii owners never buy games anyway, right, so how come the lack of Wii game purchases is causing such a slump? Wii purchases should have no impact on the larger, hardcore market. Wii is not stealing customers from the HD consoles. If Wii gamers NEVER buy games anyway, why is the decline of “casual” games sales affecting the industry at all?

    What it really shows is that the Wii market has been carrying the whole industry, and the hardcore market cannot sustain itself without Wii.

  13. Rabbitduck says:

    http://randomanything.com/web/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/xbox-vs-original-nes-550×368.jpg

    I know this is slightly beyond the point, and maybe just as bad as the point being made from the other side, but this pic always gives me a kick.

  14. Legend says:

    who’s Bryce Meikle ?

  15. Mr.cranky says:

    I cant wait to suffer myself though a playthru of new super mario bros wii 😀

  16. Lightarrow says:

    @peshue
    comment of the year nominee fo sure

  17. CPL1701 says:

    Is that his real name or is an alias for Damon Hatfield from IGN?

  18. Mattiac says:

    @peshue: LOL 😀 I’m happy for your sake! 😉 Now I must buy a 360! 😛

  19. N64 Games FTW says:

    I do not agree with that statement above, “get a real console”.
    As for the fact that people said that they found out they didn’t have as much fun, I disagree with that.
    I’ve played X-Box 360 PS3 versions of my Wii games and they are nowhere near as fun.
    Moving on, HD graphics are a waste of money, they take up space on the disc limiting the gameplay and you can still get amazing graphics on SD tVS
    Why are we buying things we don’t use, like view and edit pictures, music, videos. Ooh wait isn’t that what a PC is for?
    As for DVD, Blu-Ray, HD DVD, CD playback if I really wanted to use that, I would just put them into the 6disc DVD player my wii is sitting on.

  20. N64 Games FTW says:

    Massive online multi-player is good, right.
    NOT IF YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT (360 Owners)

    Wait isn’t there allso a online market with better games than 360 can pump out. (Wii-Ware)

    If we are told to go “get a real console” I will go and rip that kids head off, and make him live in a 360 that got the RROD

  21. chris_wing says:

    That’s great!! I lol’d from start to finish.
    People who play PS360 are getting a fine game play experience, really, I mean it. What the vast majority of them don’t realize is that the Wii provides an experience that simply can’t be duplicated on current PS360 hardware.
    PS3 people point to MGS4 as a reason to buy a PS3, only problem is that I played that game 10 years ago when it was called MGS1. For all the uber wankarific affects MGS4 has it’s still the same game play experience from the PS1 (with head scratching cut scenes), even the controller is 90% the same as the PS1’s.
    360 people point to teh Haloz as a reason to own their system, but shooters work better on PC with a mouse and keyboard. I played Halo on an old G3 iMac before Microsoft bought bungie, and it was fun, would I want to play that with a pad? No thank you.
    Just because a system has high specs doesn’t mean it is going to be more fun then a system with more humble guts. In fact restrictions can aid the game play experience as designers are forced to do things, and think in a different way then the most obvious approach, which is what you see in the majority of cookie cutter PS360 games.

    On a side note, Overlord is $1.50 this weekend on steam. I was going to buy it until I watched the trailer. That game is for, and only for, teenage boys with anger management issues. I’d be embarrassed to play that game. I have Excite Bots coming to me in the mail instead, a real game, for this real gamer.

  22. chris_wing says:

    “CPL1701 says…

    Is that his real name or is an alias for Damon Hatfield from IGN?”

    Damon Hatfield “the Wii is stupid”
    Craig Harris “the Wii IS stupid”
    Matt Cass. “Nintendo just doesn’t cater to my tastes anymore”
    Mark Bozon “I’m a Modern Warfare junky on 360”

    What does IGN stand for again, ignorant gaming ninnies?

  23. Lance says:

    It’s hard for me to choose sides. I go to all three consoles, and my PC for fun games. Yeah sure Halo and Modern Warfare are great 360 games, however, there’s more to the console than that. Fable 2 was a great game as was GTA 4 based on the interactivity between the player and the world.

    PS3 also has great games as well. I haven’t played many great 3D platformers other than Mario, Ratchet and Clank, or Jak & Daxter. Plus the console has some fun innovative titles like Little Big Planet, ModNation Racers, and even Heavy Rain.

    Lastly the Wii is a great console in its own right. Grant it there aren’t a whole lot of ‘hardcore’ titles available, but the ones that are, are pretty damn good. Plus you can’t deny the brilliance of Mario Galaxy or Metroid Prime 3. Which by the way signifies that shooters on the Wii are perfect together. Only if developers would take the FPS genre more seriously for the console.

    Now I’m afraid someone’s going to destroy me for saying that the Wii has fun games.

  24. Chris_wing says:

    @ Lance

    Wait, you’re telling me the Wii has games now?

    *finger inches closer to destroy button*

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